Today I put on a pair of jeans. I haven’t put on a pair of jeans since Sunday. Sunday was the day my jeans were just a bit too tight and I had to take them off in favour of PJ pants. Sunday was the day Dave asked if I wanted to go to the gym and I told him “tomorrow I have a plan”. Sunday. It’s currently Friday, a mere 5 days later, and these jeans already fit so much better. I know I probably lost maximum 1 pound but not having my jeans cut into my stomach when I sit down proves something.
I’ve blogged 4 times this week, I went and got kale and made a weird, but good, smoothie, I worked out for 50 minutes every day, with some added exercise thrown in even, I’ve logged what I ate, and now my jeans fit. I just have to get through this weekend, which probably won’t be easy with family coming to visit, friends coming to visit and the Superbowl, but hopefully I can remember how it felt to zip up these jeans when I run into trouble and it’ll encourage me to not give up and to make good food choices.
(Also I hope my sister remembered her workout clothes so I can force her to come to the aerobics room with me and do 15 minutes of yoga tomorrow.)
Almost done 1 week. Then just 51 more to go. Small victories.
Dave says this is my theme song. He sings it to me all the time because as soon as I think of a project I want to do or a meal I want to eat or a plan I want to happen I have to do it right away. If I wake up in the morning at 8:30 on a Saturday and I suddenly want to move our bedroom around it has to be done *right now*. I think it might actually stress me out if I can’t do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. And as soon as I’m done with whatever the project/meal/plan might have been I have to move on right away. I’m always on to the next one. I like immediate gratification. I’m not a person who always needs to be moving, I can be pretty lazy, but if I have an idea I want it to happen so I can put it out of my head. Losing weight is, unfortunately, not one of those things that is immediately gratifying.
Weight loss is an incredibly slow, horrible process. You have to constantly be thinking about it. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to get out of bed, put on my work out clothes, go to the gym, eat well, log what I eat, etc. It’s boring. It’s not fun. Losing weight has to become my job. I have to treat it like I’m an employee and I have to get things done or I won’t get paid. I guess in this metaphor being paid = losing pounds?
I also realize I have to start setting smaller goals. I want to lose 60 pounds, but that’s going to be so far into the future I might die before I get there. So, smaller goals. Like losing 10 pounds, that’s a realistic goal that I can accomplish sooner rather than later. And drinking 8 cups of water, daily. I bet I can do that, more or less. Teeny, tiny goals so that the big ones don’t seem so lofty I want to quit right away.
My goal for today is to go to the grocery store and get some fruit and yogurt and then eat a really delicious smoothie. My tiny victory yesterday was going swimming and having a hot tub. There’s a pool 4 floors down from my condo and I think I’ve maybe gone 6 times in 3 years? Swimming definitely has to enter into my work out regime, at least once a week. So, tiny goals. Small victories.
I got a million ways to get it, I just gotta choose one, I guess. And then stick with it.
Today was the third day in a row that I worked out for 50 mins. This is now the longest streak of working out I’ve had since last February. LAST FEBRUARY. Are you fucking kidding me, self? You are terrible at keeping up with things! A whole year has basically gone by and you’ve wasted it again. Maybe I have to be really hard on myself about this and should slap myself on the hand. I am so tired of explaining what my plans for losing weight will be and then failing completely. So here it is, my last ditch effort, 1 year of legit trying. Like Dave always tells me, I just have to win 1 day at a time.
Kanye’s New Workout Plan:
1. Workout Monday through Friday, at least 30 mins each day
2. Blog 5 days a week
3. Log what I’m eating on MyFitnessPal
4. Do something active on weekends, skating, biking, etc.
5. Weigh in on
Mondays Saturdays Fridays ONLY
It’s a simple plan! Don’t fuck it up, Steph.
On January 24th I turned 29. I always told myself that by 30 I would have lost all the weight I wanted. 30 is now staring me in the face and I’m terrified. It’s not even a leap year either, so I only have 365 days to accomplish this huge goal. It sounds like a lot of days, but it isn’t. A year is nothing. I’ve already burnt through 4 of them.
I hate being fat. Since starting this blog over a year ago I haven’t gained any weight, which is great, but I haven’t lost any either. And I remain fat. Fat in my mind, anyway. Fat in pictures, fat in clothes, fat when I’m naked. Fat when I’m standing in the kitchen, cooking, fat when I’m sitting on my couch watching true crime TV shows, fat when I’m on the phone talking to my sister. I think about my stomach rolls every few minutes of the day. I am acutely aware of just how fat I am and how tight my jeans will be when I put them on. It’s an unhealthy attitude to have, I realize this, and it’s something I’ll have to work on aside from losing weight but for right now, I just want to be less fat. I’m not even talking stick thin, or petite, or bikini ready. I am merely saying I want to be less fat. Currently I’m fat and I want to be not as fat.
To accomplish my goal of being less fat I have to lose around 60 pounds I figure. That means I have to lose 5 pounds a month for 12 months. It’s not impossible. It’s annoying, definitely. But not impossible. Logging what I eat and exercising daily is the only way I’m going to lose weight, it’s the way I did it most successfully before and it’s the way I’ll have to do it again. This time I’m not going to give up foods, or pop, or sugar. I love eating and I love food. This all sounds so repetitive. Eat in moderation, work out, drink water. Blah, blah, blah.
I’ve realized that the only person who is going to keep me accountable is me. I have to want to lose weight. I have to want to be less fat by 30. And I have to write daily. Writing keeps me accountable to me.
So will I do it? Who knows, 361 days is a long time. And also no time at all.