Tag Archives: accountability

fitter. happier. more productive.

I’ve had this blog for a little over a month now. I’m starting to really feel better. I know I keep saying this but even though I haven’t lost much weight I’ve lost inches and have changed my attitude. Working out isn’t a chore, as much as I complain about it. Working out makes me feel great. It makes me worry less about how I look, believe it or not. When you’re overweight and you don’t love how you look I can guarantee it’s all you think about. You wonder if people are judging you for how fat you are or what you’re wearing. You worry about how you look sitting down. You worry about what you’re eating. You cry. Or at least that’s what it was like for me. Before I started this I would avoid mirrors, stare at thin people, stare at fat people, suck in my stomach, wear multiple layers to hide my gut, etc. But the main thing is I would think about weight all day long.

The most personal thing I’m willing to admit here is that I’ve cried a lot about weight. I’ve spent a lot of nights really upset at myself and how much I weigh. There’s no one you can blame for how you look except yourself (and genetics if I’m being really technical). Eating disorders almost sound plausible when you’re as upset about weight like I was. When I was younger I’d wish I could follow through with anorexia. I even thought I could do it for like a year and then stop doing it and be thin. I never tried it though, I knew I would be found out immediately. Food is a big deal when you’re Italian. Meals are the primary things a family does together. I would only be able to be anorexic for about 2 days before someone would have noticed I wasn’t eating. So I just kept crying. Every few months I would get worked up enough about how I looked that I would just sit in bed at night and sob.

The times when the crying stopped for long periods are the times I was going to the gym daily. I can remember this happening a total of 4 times over 10 years. With about 2 years of crying time in between my bouts of working out. Now I’m not saying I cry everyday, or even every week. I’d cry once every maybe 5 months or so. But they were really serious cries. I would lament how depressing clothes shopping is when you’re overweight. I would be mad that I love food for much. Eventually the tears would turn to laughter. I’m not good at being serious or seriously upset for very long periods. So I wasn’t a skinny minnie, so what! I had a great life, I would realize, I just have to stop quitting on what I’m trying to accomplish. Get a hobby, I would say to myself. Stop coming home from work and sitting around not doing anything and then crying about it later on.

I would always start off so motivated and then around the 2-3 month mark I would quit. I’ve gone through so many gym buddies, gyms, diets, routines. I’m like a fitness slut. I will try anything to lose weight but I’ll move on the first sign it’s working. Quitting happens because the changes start and I start thinking Oh I’m doing great, I don’t need to work out any more. Big mistake. Fitness is a lifestyle, a really annoying lifestyle you wish didn’t have to happen. If I’m serious about losing the weight I want to lose (around 50 pounds) I have to commit to working out and portion controlling myself for at least a year. And then maybe forever. It sounds awful, but it’s making a big difference in how I see myself and it’s only been 4 weeks.

I realized today that I’m not thinking about weight as much any more. Every 5th thought isn’t “I sure do look bad because I’m fat” and a mental change is exactly what I should have been working towards in the first place. As didactic as this will sound, you gotta love yourself. You gotta be happy with your efforts. You gotta stop letting yourself off the hook at the same time you stop putting blinders on to how you really feel. Admitting I was fat was key. Admitting I still liked myself was, well, more key. Being thin isn’t going to change me, it’s just going to make be a little bit less stressed when I go into a clothing store. Working at fitness every day frees up my mind from constantly dwelling on how big I think my stomach looks because I know I’m working at it.

No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping every single person who stayed on the couch.

I can tell you I haven’t cried once since I started this blog. I’m calling that progress. Not once in 2 months have I gotten so down on myself that I’ve teared up. I don’t want to quit in 2 months. I want to keep trying, and keep being fitter. happier. more productive.

I like where I see myself going. 1 pound at a time. 1 work out at a time. 1 happy thought at a time.

Thanks for reading my blog for a month, blog readers. Keep encouraging me! I definitely have felt the love.



Being Sick

Went to bed last night with a sore throat. Woke up this morning coughing. Visiting Sudbury always ends with me sick. Babies are such little incubators. Whatever Maddy has I always end up getting. I should stop letting her cough into my face while I read her 1500 books. But who am I kidding, she’s super cute, how can I say no to that face.

I’m trying to fend it off as best I can but I’m miserable. And to make matters worse, because I was sucking on a cough drop, I forgot to brush my teeth. I’m devastated about it. I want to run home right now and brush them.

I feel like I’ve never successfully defended an on-coming illness. I’ve been taking cough drops and cold tablets in an attempt to stop the real sickness before it can take hold. It means I’m going to cough all day at work and be exhausted by the time I get home. I won’t want to work out. I’ll work out anyway and then go to bed early. I’m already sad about this entire day and it just started.



Weekend – Time

I’m going to Sudbury for the weekend. The plan is to work out on Saturday morning before we head in Toronto to pick up our friends and then drive on up to Sudbury. Tomorrow is my last day at level 2 on the Shred and I’m so excited. I’m really looking forward to moving on from this level. I’ve found it pretty rewarding and it’s gone by much quicker than the first 10 days. My plank still needs some work. I can plank the whole time without dropping to the floor but my jumps and twists feel really funny. I kinda want to take a video of me doing the moves to see just how ridiculous I look. Jillian looks so great when she planks, you can tell how strong and agile she is. I hate that B. How do people look so poised working out? I look like a fish drowning in water because it doesn’t know it’s a fish. Sometimes Hitchens lays right near where I’m doing skaters and I fear for her safety. She should know how uncoordinated I am, she’s been living with me for over a year now. Once when I was doing punches she walked right over my laptop and bit me on the hand, mid-punch. She doesn’t care that I’m trying to better myself, she just wants me to stop jumping around and sweating near where she sleeps.

168_8762287180_3174_nMy sister, Kryssie, tells me she will work out with me on Sunday and that she’s going to get the DVD ready. I told her she doesn’t have to use the hand weights but she used to do kick boxing so I’m sure she’ll be better than me. I’ll only have to do 1 day outside of my normal workout environment but for some reason I’m really dreading it. Yesterday I banished Dave and Hitchens from the bedroom while I worked out because I wasn’t feeling confident. Kryssie is way fitter than I am, so I hope she realizes she’s about to see an overweight person jumping around for 28 minutes and cussing.

406211_10151977955400571_278132173_nI’m excited to see my niece, Maddy. I wonder if she’ll want to work out with her mom and I. I bet she gives up though, I’ll have to remember to chastise her if she quits. She only weighs 30 pounds, plank jacks should be a breeze for her little arms and legs. Maddy will be 2 in July so she better start working out now, you’re never too young to develop your anterior delts as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going to be around forever to lift heavy toys for her. She’ll have to man up sometime.

268516_10150237395897181_582692_nI’m really worried I’m going to get to Sudbury and not work out on Sunday like I’m supposed to. Who wants to work out while visiting relatives? Talk about awkward/annoying for everyone involved. But I don’t want to give up on doing 30 days straight, because I can’t believe I haven’t missed 1 day yet. Even on the days where I really was gargling my heart and thought I was going to die (™ JM) I still didn’t give up. I’ve managed to push through all my mental blocks and complete the Shred before midnight whether I felt like it or not. I feel a lot better about how active I am and I’m even a little worried I won’t take a rest day even at the end of the 30 days. Little Steph would be proud of Big Steph, I bet. If only Big Steph hadn’t given up 2 years ago when she had already done all this work and lost 20 pounds! Big Steph would be well on her way to meeting her goal by now. Stop finding reasons to stop, Big Steph. Time passes whether the work gets done or not, so you might as well get the work done!


I was trying to find a really great quote to open this post with today, but all the ones that I mildly liked still seemed really preachy and preachy is not something I go in for. It’s really hard to set goals for myself because I know that I’m probably going to break them at some point and then feel awful. It’s kinda like this blog. Either I’ll blog several times a week or I won’t at all and then when I remember to I won’t want to because I’m an all or nothing person. But I’ve been really good at updating for the first week since I started blogging so I decided I would set a small goal and see how I do.

On Friday I made a pact with myself (and Dave) that I would do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred for 30 days starting Monday. If I do the full 30 day program Dave said I should reward myself with something really cool. I couldn’t figure out what I’d want but thought I should pick something now so I know what I’m working towards, giving myself one more reason to stick with my, ugh, goal.

On Saturday my friend Sam was in Toronto for work and showed me her FitBit. Sam is the most dedicated fitness person I know so if she says it helps her stay focused it’s definitely something I’m interested in. We talked a lot about what works and what doesn’t.  I told her how I really wished I was the kind of person who could get up at 6:30 am to work out, but Sam said I’ve got to find what works for me and if 6:30 am doesn’t fit, then I have to let it go and find something that does, even if that means working out at night and having to shower twice (I really can’t get over this). As annoying as it may be 30 Day Shred works really well for me. I did 15 days of it 2 years ago (I feel dumb even typing that) and at the end of day 15 I could do 10 push-ups in a row without wanting to die. I think that’s likely what fitness progress looks like, but I can’t say for sure having never been there before.

I decided that if I finished 30 days of Shredding with J-illain (not a typo, I really hate that B, she really does feel like a villain sometimes) I would buy a FitBit. Sam explained that if I had one we could challenge each other and keep track of how the other person was doing. I am the kind of person who needs accountability. As great as I feel after I finish a workout, getting motivated to start the workout feels like torture. I would log my food, and it would log everything else I did fitness-wise. My back and legs are really sore from cleaning our condo top to bottom yesterday, so I feel like I’m going to really love doing Jillain later on, but that FitBit is calling my name like the fitness siren it is and I might as well crash on those rocks while in pain than not at all.

jillian-michaels (Jillain, nice ankle tat)me and sam 2008 (Me and Sam, circa 2008)